There are two things that the internet is better at than anything else: providing pictures of cats in a variety of cute / hilarious / tragic poses, and providing graphic pictures of people engaging in intimate acts. This post is not going to be heavily featuring one of those things.
Today I’m going to be taking a look at the various options travellers have for “getting jiggy with it” when on the road in terms of where to do it. Because travellers are people too. And people have needs, people.
As this is a blog where I like to illustrate my posts with photos, whilst also being mostly on the family friendly side (that may have gone out of the window), I’m going to be illustrating this post with some carefully hand crafted Paint masterpieces, as first seen in this post.
Enough throat clearing. Here are six places you might find yourself doing it whilst travelling.. and the pros and cons of each!
The dorm room
We’ve all been there. You’re lying in your dorm trying to get some sleep when a giggling and likely intoxicated pair stumble in, and start what a swimming pool sign might refer to as “heavy petting”.
Heavy petting will quickly migrate to more frenzied, vigorous action, possibly accompanied by light to intense bursts of giggling. Once they’ve convinced themselves everyone is asleep, or uncaring, it’s going to get noisy.
Best for: The exhibitionist in you, learning sex talk in a foreign language
Watch out for: The rest of the people in your dorm hating you. Or joining in.
Tents are amazing, in that they offer the illusion of privacy whilst offering no privacy whatsoever. Sure, you might think that those walls of canvas are capable of creating your own anechoic chamber, but let me assure you, they are in fact quite the opposite.
Still, unlike a dorm room, unless you have unfortunate lighting, no-one is going to actually see you. Plus – you can put a tent up far away from other people. So privacy is a much more achievable option.
Best for: Giving you the illusion of privacy. And well, at least no-one can actually see you.
Watch out for: Knowing smiles on everyone elses faces the next day. Snakes, of the non trouser variety.
Oh, shower sex. All the cleaning benefits of a nice hot shower and the pleasing, heady rush of an endorphin high. Assuming you don’t fall over. Because you don’t want to have to be explaining that injury on your travel insurance claim form.
Still, shower sex is likely to be one of the more private options for the traveller on a strict budget. And you come out smelling better than you went in, which doesn’t usually happen with sex. Good news all round.
Best for: Saving the environment
Watch out for: Dropping the soap, cleaners, breaking yourself on the slippery floor.
There is a reason sex on the beach is the name of a popular cocktail. There’s hardly a more romantic thought in the world than making slow, lingering, passionate love to someone under the light of the moon.. with surf crashing in the distance and perhaps warm tropical waters delicately caressing at your toes.
The reality diverges from this dream a bit, and usually involves sand in places you really didn’t want sand to go, nosy crabs (the beach kind), and someone falling over you in the dark. But it’s a nice idea.
Best for: Keeping as a romantic notion.
Watch out for: Dog poo / broken glass / other sand lovers.
The back of your car / van
This option works better if you have one of those nice long estate style cars, or a proper travellers style camper van. It’s also better if you’re either far away from civilisation, or you have curtains. Otherwise you might end up attracting all the wrong sorts of attention.
If you have the right kind of car, and can find the right kind of place, this is one of the better options out there for the traveller literally “on the move”. Plus you’ll quickly learn what condition your suspension is in, and be able to drop all kinds of raunchy sounding motor talk into the act.
Best for: Learning how to use the suspension to your benefit
Watch out for: People into dogging, the gear stick. Or not.. whatever you’re into.
A private room
If you’re travelling as a couple, the private room is the option you’ll probably want to splash out on (no, not like that. Seriously people). In a hostel they usually aren’t actually that much more expensive per person than a smaller dorm room.. and the privacy benefits are usually more than worth it.
As well as the sex based benefits, you’ll also find that your stuff is likely to be safer, plus you can even close the curtains and wander around naked, with less people staring at you than normal. What’s not to like?
Best for: Actual privacy
Watch out for: The walls being thinner than you thought…
Well, that’s that round up done. I’d love to know your favourite places to get down and dirty when out and about. Do share in the comments below! (and stay safe folks!)