Travel is a rather selfish activity. By that, I don’t mean that travel is turning me into a people hating world destroying recluse. No, what I mean is that travel is something that really focuses on being of benefit to the individual doing the travel, in this case me, and no-one else.
Allow me to explain myself. I am just coasting over the hill of thirty, having spent a couple of years now in my third decade. I have a pretty tight knit group of friends who I have grown to know and love over the years. And because they are all running about as late with the whole growing up and settling down thing as me, many of them hadn’t, by the time I left, gotten around to doing the grown up stuff yet. You know – the getting married, having kids… buying a house… sort of thing that responsible adults are encouraged to get on with doing at some point.
Unfortunately, now that I’ve been away from home for nearly two years, things have started to change. Girlfriends are starting to put their feet down, and are pointing out that biological clocks don’t have a wind back mechanism. Marriage proposals are flying around like autumnal swallows seeking warmer weather. Tense negotiations are being held with banks about mortgages. And I’m on the other side of the world, far away from all of these things, watching all my friends grow up as I continue to wander in a vaguely irresponsible fashion, questing for something else.
This year of travelling, I am focusing on wandering the islands of New Zealand. The price for this wandering is missing out on not one, but three weddings of incredibly close friends. Luckily one of them had already decided on a small family only wedding. The other two had invited me to be an usher.
The main reason for missing these events is financial – the cost of a return flight from New Zealand to the UK is fairly mind boggling – and spending four months in the UK for two days worth of wedding fun at great expense just doesn’t seem sensible.
And this is kind of a problem with travel, at least the way I do it. I have no shame in admitting that I put myself first. It’s all about amazing experiences and scenic vistas that I get to witness first hand, and about pleasing and amusing myself.
![Water-ripples_thumb[2]](https://www.findingtheuniverse.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/Water-ripples_thumb25255B225255D25255B425255D.jpg "Water-ripples_thumb[2]")
I love my friends and family, but I have resigned myself to the fact that I’m not likely to see many of them for a while to come. Some of them realised this as I was leaving, when I was unable to answer the question of when I’d be back. Some thought I was just going through a phase, and six months after leaving I’d be back where I left off.
As it is, two years on, I have a lot more world to see, and nothing but finances to hold me back. Finances which I’m doing my best to top up by working as I go, which I’m clinging onto, and not squandering on dashing back to the UK so I don’t miss out on friends key events.
Long term travel, whilst a wonderful experience for me, does seem to carry with it the risk of growing apart from friends. It could be argued of course that these friends were always going to be lost – after all, many of my best friends are the ones whom I don’t see for months or even years at a time, and then get back on track with almost straight away. But the risk of being away for one too many key life events does gnaw at me somewhat.
![Sunset-plant-outlines_thumb[4]](https://www.findingtheuniverse.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/Sunset-plant-outlines_thumb25255B425255D25255B725255D.jpg "Sunset-plant-outlines_thumb[4]")
Technology, the internet, Facebook – these are all things that help us stay in touch, to a point. This blog has even got me back in touch with friends who had drifted away from me. But it is hardly a substitute for real time together.
There is a balance I guess. A line to walk between ostracising myself and experiencing all that I want to. It can be a tricky line to walk, and I am yet to see what the end result will be. With luck I am not walking the line too close to the wind, and gaining experiences at great expense. At least, I really hope not.
I’d love to know what your thoughts on this matter are. Do you travel long term? How do you keep up to date with happenings back home? Are you missing key events in your friends lives that you worry will result in you growing apart? Or do you think friendships overcome these hurdles? Let me know in the comments below.
Jade - OurOyster.com says
Great post! Sometimes I feel like it is time to grow up when I see all my friends back home getting married, having kids, and getting careers. But then I realized that doing all that stuff the normal way just wouldn’t work for me. But I think I’ve found a way to do that stuff while still maintaining my travel lifestyle. You only have one life, and you have to live it the way that makes you happy. You are not accountable for anyone elses happiness.
Abby says
I’m glad you sent this around again! I struggled with this a bit while I was out of the country full-time. Of course I flew in for special occasions, but I often felt like an outsider. And I wondered if the price was too steep for me… Was I losing the friendships that were important to me? Of course not, but I missed out on a lot, on getting to know my friends’ husbands, etc. Now that I’ve moved back and I’m the only one who’s single, etc, etc, I think about these choices we make a lot. I wouldn’t have it any other way, but you can’t help but think about it. It is so selfish in some ways, but in other ways you give up SO much.
Raymond @ Man On The Lam says
I don’t live anywhere near my family when I’m in Canada, so if I’m in Timbuktu or Calgary it doesn’t really make that much difference to them.
Having said that, I almost missed my brother’s wedding because I was travelling, but a major earthquake shook me to my senses and I sucked up the price of a ticket from Istanbul to St. John’s and went home for the nuptials. Those types of events don’t happen every day, especially in my family (have you seen my brothers?), so I think it’s important to be there for them. Money is money, there’ll always be more coming from somewhere someday. But you’ve only got one family.
Andrew says
I’m an expat in a more stationary position, not a nomad. I have a home, it just happens to be an ocean away from family and friends from back there. The benefit of having a home like this is that we get visitors fairly regularly. And having a routine and time with technology helps keep some friends close.
I definitely have friends that when we see each other pick up exactly where we left off a year or more ago. Others just sort of drift out of my circle. And still others pop in for a few quick emails and then go off on their adventures again.
I tend to think of travel selfishness like this. Most people that don’t travel much have fear. If I can go do it and show them they can, then it isn’t quite as selfish. Each traveler is independently benefiting themselves, but shows the rest that it can be done.
Laurence says
Sounds like you have a pretty good balance sorted out. Certainly friends
are lost over a lifetime and new friends are made – that is only normal.
But there are a few friends that I expect to have for life, and those
are the ones that I feel the extra effort must be made to stay in touch,
even if that is just with the odd e-mail or skype call – and they are
also the ones whom I feel more strongly about missing key events.
suzyguese says
Since leaving college, I have felt this with friends. I went to school in California but moved back to Colorado. Since that time I have been traveling on and off. I guess I don’t really care too much about what is going on with those lives, which could be saying something else. Travel is so enriching so I think it can be normal to be completely engulfed in it and seemingly in your own life. I try to balance both. I have a home but I also travel half of the year.
suzyguese says
Since leaving college, I have felt this with friends. I went to school in California but moved back to Colorado. Since that time I have been traveling on and off. I guess I don’t really care too much about what is going on with those lives, which could be saying something else. Travel is so enriching so I think it can be normal to be completely engulfed in it and seemingly in your own life. I try to balance both. I have a home but I also travel half of the year.
Laurence says
Sounds like you have a pretty good balance sorted out. Certainly friends
are lost over a lifetime and new friends are made – that is only normal.
But there are a few friends that I expect to have for life, and those
are the ones that I feel the extra effort must be made to stay in touch,
even if that is just with the odd e-mail or skype call – and they are
also the ones whom I feel more strongly about missing key events.
Siddhartha Joshi says
This is something I would love to do for the at least the next few years, but I do realise the difficulties associated…especially the whole pressure to settle down and being apart from the loved ones. It seems you are doing rather well…I can only wish you success ahead.
And absolutely no harm in being selfish…friends will marry, whether you are around or not. This is your destiny, its your right to enjoy it to the fullest 🙂
Laurence says
Hi Joshi, thanks for dropping by and sharing your kind words, very much
appreciated 🙂
Cam Wears says
This is the “other” side of long term travel that many people don’t fully appreciate until they experience it firsthand. While the long term traveller is out exploring and living life, so are family and friends back home – just with a different backdrop.
This is the main reason why we cannot see ourselves travelling indefinitely. We need the family and friends interaction and although its great meeting other travelers on the road – it’s not quite the same. Yet another reminder that long term travel is not just a “vacation”, it comes with great sacrifice and commitment.
Laurence says
It is certainly a decision that people have to make. And I agree –
meeting people on the road certainly can create some great memories and
the possibility of lasting friendships – but it is hard to do better
than the people you’ve grown up with and known for countless years past.
I can certainly understand the decision not to travel indefinitely –
there are downsides as well as benefits – as with everything 🙂
Michael Hodson says
strangely enough, the more I travel, the less I care about what is going on back home. The shocking thing for me is how many of my “friends” disappeared from my life almost immediately when I started long-term travel. Out of sight, out of mind, I suppose. In any case, some of the people I have meet traveling are some of my best new friends — and I like that community a hell of a lot.
Laurence says
Certainly there is quite a bit of friend attrition when you start off a
new phase in your life – often work colleagues who you realise you
actually had nothing in common with other than sharing the same piece of
carpet with for eight hours a day. That said, I am still in touch with a
number of my ex-colleagues, and I would say we have a better friendship
now we no longer work together than before! Agree on the travelling
community thing too – meeting new people who share the same goals and
ideals whilst on the road is one of the tremendous benefits to travel 🙂
Brian Hicks says
Dude,
We will always love you and be there for you when in need for a friendly catch up, as you say it takes us a few minutes to get back to creating wonderful mayhem and fond memories.
Absolutely no worries for not being able to make the wedding, I fully understand your predicament, and ultimately making sure you get the best out of your life is always a priority for any being. Anyway with all that money you’re saving from not buying a flight means you can get us a bigger and better wedding gift ;-P lol
Seriously dude, have a fab time, create many wonderful memories that you will treasure forever, just keep us all posted with where you are now and then.
Have you found me a bar yet?
Laurence says
Wow, thanks Baz – and thanks for the similarly veined e-mail!
I continue the search for a bar located on a tropical beach for you to
buy. Currently it’s grey, cloudy, and I’m about 150 miles from any
beaches, but the quest continues. And people thought the hobbits had it
hard.
I will continue to keep you, and everyone else who is interested in my
meanderings, fully updated 🙂
ToddsWanderings says
Nice post. I have struggled a lot with this as I have been traveling for 11 years. In the beginning I would not get home very much (2-3 years between visits to the US) and would call home MAYBE 2-3 times a year. yes, I know I am a bad son. As I have gotten older and long term travel is no longer a “phase” I try to prioritize getting back to the US 1-2 times a year. Facebook, e-mail, and skype now make it super easy to stay in touch. I still don’t call often (sorry Mom).
My blog was the turning point that helped me to reconnect with my friends and family. They got a better understanding of what my life is like, and I got better conversations when I visited home. Conversations that were less based on getting to know each other again (so, what’s it like in East Timor?) and based more on what matters.
I built a life that allows me to travel endlessly. Now I’m working on building a life that will allow me to be even more flexible with my time (3 months japan, 3 months US, 6 months who the hell knows)
Laurence says
It’s weird – I swear the further away from my parents I am the more time
I actually spend writing to them about my adventures. I noticed the same
with my Dad and his mum (my grandmother) who lives in the Seychelles.
When we lived in the UK, he would write (actual letters!) on a weekly
basis. Then, when phone calls got cheaper, there was a regular Sunday
call. Then we went and actually lived in the Seychelles, barely sixty
miles away, and there was far less contact!
Have to agree – the blog is a great way for people to keep in touch and
up to date (if they want to). People generally have a great idea of
where I am and what I’m up to, far more so than before. It sounds like
you’re getting your balance right now, and creating a life that you are
happy with is an awesome thing to have done 🙂
srbmckenzie says
I hope you at least let them know you couldn’t make it to the weddings before this post went out chap!!
And out of interest when did you ever ‘like’ people??? 😉
Laurence says
I love people! Actually, maybe that’s new since I became a worldly
traveller. Who knows 😉
And yes – I did let them know, and I received such lovely replies back
to reassure me that it was all ok too, which was a real weight off my mind!
Connvoyage says
I’ve been traveling for over two years now but was very lucky enough to have traveled back to the States to visit friends and family a year ago. I too have missed many a friend’s wedding, birth of their first child, pregnancies and birth of their second child. It does suck to miss out on so much, but being a traveler is a bit of a nomadic lifestyle. I wish I could be at two places at once, but unfortunately I’ve been too busy traveling to perfect that science just yet. Until then, I try my best to be the best friend and family member I can while being abroad and continue to look forward to the next time I can see my loved ones and their newest family additions.
Laurence says
Hey Connie 🙂 Sounds like you are getting the balance right – and you
are right, being a traveler means making the decision to miss out on
these events. It just sometimes seems to be a bit of a sacrifice – even
though I know it is the right thing for me to be doing. I was also lucky
enough to have a couple of weeks in the UK in the middle of last year,
where I caught up with loads of friends and family. Having not seen so
many people for over a year by that point I was overwhelmed by how much
effort and thought people put into my visits – some even went so far as
to use up their precious vacation days to spend time with me. Amazing stuff.
neha says
I wouldn’t worry about it too much. Distance is a normal part of the growing up thing. Even when you live in the same city, once growing-up syndrome kicks in, lives get busy. It does suck to miss out on landmark moments, but you can always make your presence felt thanks to technology.
Laurence says
Thanks Neha. Technology is a good stand in, but sometimes it just
doesn’t beat being there 🙂
Erica&Shaun Kuschel says
My sister is currently trying to get pregnant and is a little peeved that we’re leaving soon. I was supposed to be the person she chose to be in the room as she is pushing out her new spawn and it does kill me a little that I won’t be there when she needs me the most.
People do change over time but I think that if there is love there, they will accept you at any point.
Laurence says
Thanks Erica. Interesting dilemma there – but I guess the truth is, for
long term travel, there’s never going to be a “perfect” time to go.
There will always be happenings and events as we go through life. Here’s
hoping the love remains – and you might even find yourself an Aunt on
the road 🙂
Ordinary Traveler says
Interesting post. I think that you have to do what makes you happy and the rest will follow. If they are true friends they will understand and still be your friend when you come home. Just don’t expect them to have as much time for you as they did when you left, especially if they have gotten married and started having kids.
Laurence says
Thanks. I suspect you are right. Some of my friends had already started
going through the marriage and kids thing before I left, and no doubt,
that certainly reduced time available for hanging out 🙂